A couple weeks or so before the event I saw a Facebook post of Anne's about a scroll she was working on and one thing led to another, she ran the words by me, and I ended up co-writing an incredibly fun Silver Mantle that neither of us gave up on!
First Anne sent me this:
Never-more will these lands be without siege weapons. One Lord has been
Going to great kilted lengths to organize the “Lords of Seige”
To research, engineer and build ballistas. So do We, the Crown of the East,
Give Our praise and gratitude to Lord Montgomery Josh.
You have devoted yourself to the ranged art of war so when We look
Up, We see a great cloud of arrows and bolts raining down.
Never will the skies of the battlefield be bereft of long range death.
Going further with Our praise, We feel it only proper
To adorn such a worthy man with even more folds of fabric. So,
Let Us now proclaim a mantle of silver be worn by
You, Montgomery JOsh, from this 10th day of June forward. Done
at Iron Bogs day of Investiture Anno Societatis 58
Word count 138
After howling with laughter, because the recipient will love it! I set to work tightening it up.
I came up with this:
Never-more will Our lands be bereft of siege weapons!
Going to great lengths to catapult the field mechanics of trebuchet.
To acknowledge this designer, We ask to
Give Us, Majesties East, Brennan and Caoilfhionn, pause.
You have devoted yourself to research, drafting and the setting
Up of ballistas on Our battlefields!
*
Never will Our engagements be bereft of bolts raining down on Our enemies!
Going further with Our praise, We feel it only proper
To adorn this engineer within folds of fabric!
Let Us now bestow the Mantle of Silver to be worn by
You! Montgomery Josh, from this day forward: as done
Down at Iron Bog's Baronial Investiture Anno Societatis 58
Word count 111
Which I also sent to Anne with annotation! When consulting or co-writing , it's important to include the reasons that one is making a change. Then as the original author, she can decide what to keep and what to toss.
With Annotation!
Never-more will Our lands be bereft of siege weapons!
I kept this line as is and absorbed the second sentence into the rest of the words.
Going to great lengths to catapult the field mechanics of trebuchet.
Here's one of the biggest changes. I like to write words without listing all the specific battles fought, competitions entered or positions held. We have the EK Wiki for resumes.
Here my goal was to keep her voice, and then use every word for a siege engine the thesaurus had!
To acknowledge this designer, We ask to
I delved into the thesaurus to find moreover words about what the recipient was. This was instead of naming him more than once in the scroll. Because of the many descriptive words for what he does (and I don't think I managed to squeeze in architect) I could use more description to emphasize the award.
Give Us, Majesties East, Brennan and Caoilfhionn, pause.
In the first version, Their Majesties weren't listed by name. That's one of the pieces of information required.
You have devoted yourself to research, drafting and the setting
This sentence was cut, pasted and run through the thesaurus from a couple of her originals.
Up of ballistas on Our battlefields!
This sentence is really a continuation of the last one, which I was trying not to do, but every rule is there to be broken?
*
Never will Our engagements be bereft of bolts raining down on Our enemies!
Here again, I combined sentences from the original to fit here.
Going further with Our praise, We feel it only proper
This is the original sentence.
To adorn this engineer within folds of fabric!
The only changes made here were "this man" to "engineer." Getting in another descriptive word before the last bits of pertinent information. And “with" to "within" just because I thought it flowed better.
Let Us now bestow the Mantle of Silver to be worn by
I thought bestow sounded better than proclaim here.
You! Montgomery Josh, from this day forward: as done
As I understand it, punctuation depends entirely on the time and place of the piece. It also wasn't used much. Here it's totally for the heralds.
This also where I axed the specific month and day as per TRM's request.
Down at Iron Bog's Baronial Investiture Anno Sociatis 58
This is the same as the original.
And there you have it. The new world count is 111. As a general rule, I try to keep Armeregous awards under 100 words, but every rule is made to be broken!
I wrote a 150 word scroll for my kid's Tyger’s Cub and a 221 word Silver Brooch. So I totally broke my own rules!
Here is the final version that Anne is put to paper:
Nevermore will Our lands lack siege weapons as One lord is,
Going to great kilted lengths to know the mechanics of trebuchet
To acknowledge this siege lord, we ask all to
Give us majesties east, brennan & caoilfhionn, pause
You devoted yourself to the research, drafting and setting
Up of many ballistas on our battlefields
Never will they be bereft of bolts to pierce our enemies
Going further with our praise, we feel it proper
To adorn this engineer with more folds of fabric
Let us bestow a mantle of silver to be worn by
You! Montgomery Josh, from this day forward. As done
Down at Iron Bogs Baronial Investiture A.S. LVIII
Word count 113
I like collaborative work. It’s a challenge to shape something with someone else’s voice being represented equally. This end result is fabulous and I am sure the recipient will love it!
Photo by Aislinn Chiabach
Photo by Aislinn Chiabach
